Ship Accused of Squabbling with Sister Ship

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL - Docking at Port Everglades in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Wednesday, an otherwise well-behaved cruise ship was accused of squabbling with her younger sister over who left a pair of binoculars back in the Dominican Republic.

Indiana Man Not Going to Get Stuck Behind Another Freaking Train

ANDERSON - According to sources from inside a blue 2007 Dodge Nitro Friday, Indiana man Carl Dullwich is reportedly not going to get stuck behind another God damn freaking train, you hear? No way, mister. That kind of shit - he hopes you know - ain't gonna happen to Carl "the Dukester" Dullwich twice in a week. As a matter of fact, Dullwich is about ready to take a right on Claymore Avenue and hightail it across

Pathetic, Dilapidated Barn Still Most Exciting Thing to See For Over 100 Miles

SEYMOUR, IN - Though it has mostly deteriorated following decades of adverse weather conditions, poor upkeep and termite infestation, a pathetic and dilapidated barn remains the single most exciting thing for about a hundred miles.

Constructed in the 1920s, the barn, located in Seymour, Indiana, represents the single most fascinating sight between the cities of Louisville and Indianapolis, generally comprising a fleeting 40 seconds of journey time.

"I thought there was going to be no end to all the trees and cornfields," said motorist Beth Marshall. "When I saw that one shitty little barn I did think for a minute about how it might have ended up in such a state of disrepair. I pondered briefly who used to own it and what was kept in it. And then I saw the sign for Indianapolis, and all of those thoughts went away for the next 48 miles."

Meanwhile, some commuters insist that the blue water tower seen for miles around the outskirts of the city of Franklin can also add a little color to the otherwise "boring as fuck" journey.

Amish Man Gets in Wreck, Totals Horse

---

GOSHEN - A resident of the predominantly Amish town of Goshen is recovering this morning after getting into a wreck Thursday night, in which his horse Milton was left completely totaled. 29-year-old Isaac Hershberger says he is fortunate to escape with his life, after a Chevrolet Aveo cannoned into the side of his horse, which suffered extensive interior/exterior damage before being written off by appraisers early this morning. Meanwhile, eyewitness reports suggest that Mr Hershberger "may have been at fault" for the accident after it was noted that "oh my God, his left turn signal is out."

Local Woman Spends Entire Hour of Parking Allowance Figuring Out How Parking Meter Works

---

INDIANAPOLIS - Heading to a meeting in downtown Indianapolis this afternoon, local woman Bernette Gaskin spent the entire hour in which she'd intended to park her car figuring out how in the hell the stupid parking meter works. Navigating her way through the confusing credit card options on the meter's interface, the 27-year-old had hoped to remain downtown until 3 o'clock, which ultimately turned out to be the exact time that the parking meter finally accepted her payment method.

Cab Driver Knows This One Shortcut That Will Get Local Man There in 2 to 45 Minutes

Image credit: Flickr. 85mm.ch. Creative Commons 

INDIANAPOLIS - Picking up local man Adrian Welles Thursday, experienced cab driver Eric McNichol professed to know this one shortcut that would get his passenger to the center of Indianapolis in around 2 to 45 minutes.

Welles' suggestion that "we just take the normal route" was evidently lost on McNichol, who insisted that "I'm just going to take a slight detour down St. Clair," which would have apparently transported the 29-year-old to his intended location in the time it takes to "microwave a bowl of soup or - at the very least - cook a turkey."

"Oh, I'll get you there in the blink of an eye," said McNichol, despite his passenger's half-hearted protests. "So long as the traffic isn't backed up all the way - which could set us back as much as an hour - then we should get you to your destination in a couple of minutes."

"I mean, admittedly, it could be a lot longer with this being rush hour, but I've got a good feeling about it today," he continued. "Well, there's only one way to find out, I guess."

Construction Work Begins on Interstate Construction Work

INDIANAPOLIS - Traffic was backed up for almost four miles on I-465 Tuesday, as wide-scale construction work - aimed at improving the existing construction work along the interstate heading in and out of Indianapolis - got underway.

The interstate - along with sections of Allisonville Road - are set to be "off-limits" for up to six weeks, while construction teams perform urgent maintenance on ground issues caused by their previous construction work.

"The interchange at Allisonville and I-465 will be completely cordoned off, while we tear up all of the changes we made eight months ago," said construction manager Charlie Hanff. "Basically, we're just... well we're just starting over."

As well as replacing a two-mile stretch of road, plans are underway to demolish a newly constructed overpass along I-69, after faulty construction rendered it what commuters have described as a "shitty little bridge."

Meanwhile, the construction construction is likely to be met with much criticism from drivers, who have had to endure years of road diversions and traffic delays, as highways leading into Indianapolis continue to be destroyed and re-built until workers are satisfied with their handy-work.

Curiosity Fails to Kill Cat: Car Succeeds

ANDERSON - Though it had spent much of its day eying up a nest of birds in a nearby oak tree, local cat Millie avoided being killed by the concept of curiosity today - instead meeting her demise under the hind wheel of a Pontiac Sunfire.

Embarking on an exciting adventure on what was a fine January morning, the 9-year-old - seemingly oblivious to the power of man's four-wheel creation - was seen ambling along a local street at around 3pm Wednesday - about 4 minutes before the car, not curiosity, flattened it like a pancake.

"It was just horrible," said Anderson resident Nancy Parker. "One minute I was looking out at this cat, who was just minding its own business, when this maroon vehicle came dashing around the corner. The poor thing didn't even see it coming."

The cat, who for much of its life had heard of the dangers of curiosity, is survived by four siblings who will likely all die of natural causes, not curiosity, in the next 10 years.

Image credit: composite. Creative commons.

Interstate Crash Kills 4 People's Hopes of Getting to Work on Time

FISHERS - A crash on I-69 this morning is believed to have killed as many as four people's chances of getting to work before their scheduled start time.

A 26-year-old woman's hopes of remaining punctual were killed instantly when her 2005 Chevy Oveo slammed into the back of a stationary SUV, whose driver and two passengers' morning itinerary was later pronounced dead on arrival.

According to reports, the general manager at Crown-Smith Insurance is believed to be distraught following the incident, which has deprived him and his business of "one of our best workers on a day when we really needed her. Oh well."

Additionally, the management team at AF Services - where the passengers of the SUV routinely carpooled to five days a week, have been notified of the tragedy.

Road to Success Closed for Construction

Due to further initiatives from the office of Mayor Ballard, the road to success - an interstate linking life's frustrating years with one's potentially comfortable adult years - has closed to make way for more construction.

The road, which is used by thousands of ambitious commuters each day, is set to undergo "major repairs" over the next eighteen months, with plans to use the Road to Nowhere as a detour.

"We are looking at the long term effects that this will have on the city of Indianapolis," said Ballard. "It might be frustrating to have to take a longer route to places like Oh My God, I've Finally Made It, but two years from now, because of the work we are doing on the road, people will be able to get from A to B so much faster."

Residents, however, have not been quick to accept the proposals, with frequent commuter Mandy Leibowitz insisting that the measures are going to make it almost impossible for her to get to Fucking Hell, I'm a Professional Author Now.

"I've sent my book to hundreds of publishers," said the 31-year-old. "But every single publishing office is at the end of the Road to Success. I might as well resign myself to a future in accounting."

Meanwhile, many in the 35-50 demographic have insisted that the construction work doesn't effect them, since they stopped using the road years ago.

"The Middle of the Road is where I drive" said local man Brian Sharpe. "If they even think about digging that up, there'll be Hell to pay."

Hummer Totally on Guy's Ass for, Like, the Last 2 Miles

CARMEL - According to reports from the driver's side of a silver Buick Century, that damn Hummer has been on local man Jeff Foggerty's ass for, like, at least the last 2 miles.

Even though Foggerty is himself marginally over the speed limit, the jackass in his rear view mirror clearly wants to play hardball and he should just back the eff off already.

"What, does he think I can go any faster than this?," exclaimed an incredulous Foggerty. "You're just going to have to wait your turn, mister. Ain't no getting 'round me until the interstate, buster."

According to reports, the Hummer's dickwad of a driver is getting damn-near bumper-to-bumper with Foggerty's vehicle while repeatedly flashing his brights, as if this will make Foggerty go any faster.

Further reports suggest that Shit-For-Brains back there had better be ready to pay out of his insurance if Foggerty needs to slam on his brakes at any point. In fact, it would be sweet fucking revenge to just slam on his brakes regardless, just to teach that prick a real lesson.

State of Indiana to Introduce Bus

INDIANAPOLIS - Following months of tireless debate, officials in Indiana have announced plans to introduce a workable and comprehensive bus.

Enduring decades without a recognizable public transportation system, many in the Hoosier State - particularly those living outside of Indianapolis - have written to the governor's office to petition Governor Mitch Daniels to approve funding for a small, 48-passenger seat bus with 6 to 8 wheels.

"It has been a lot of hard work," said transportation organizer Corey Hanneman, outside of Indianapolis City Hall. "To finally give the people of this great state an efficient and well planned bus is a great achievement. It's going to mean so much for everyone."

The bus, which will become available to the public on 1st September, is likely to be used for day trips, sporting events and the occasional journey down to Cincinnati.