Asshole You Went to School With Wants to Know If You'd Like Extra Lettuce with That

INDIANAPOLIS - Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you'd like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John's Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins.

"How's that Slim 2 working out for you?," inquired the part-time server,

Piece of Folded Card Irreversibly Strengthens Bond Between Wife, Husband

INDIANAPOLIS - Sources reported Thursday that a single piece of folded card - the same paper stock used to package cereal and Lean Cuisine frozen meals -irreversibly strengthened the loving bond between local woman Nancy Hargis and her husband Matthew.

Latest Jobs Report Shows Only Four Americans Were Employed During October

WASHINGTON - In a bleak assessment of our economic times, the latest jobs report released by the Labor Department has found that only four people in the entire country actually had a job during the month of October.

The figure fell considerably below expectations, which posited that the number of employed people would rise by around 130,000.

According to the figures, the unemployment rate slumped to its lowest standing since records began, with estimates declaring that 99.99999994% of Americans were without a job for the 31-day duration of October.

Various reasons have been cited for the sharp downturn, while many believe that Fall illnesses, Halloween, and Hurricane Sandy caused millions of Americans to unexpectedly leave their jobs.

Back on the campaign trail following the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, President Barack Obama made clear his despair at the latest figures, insisting: "Wow, this is... this is very, very embarrassing."

"Apparently, not even I did any work last month," he said, looking at the report. "I guess campaigning isn't technically classed as employment. My fellow Americans, I unreservedly apologize. These figures are just not good enough."

The report found that the entire sum of all American productivity was comprised only of work carried out by New York MD, Dennis Hughes, Oregon librarian Mary Cartwright, Indiana farmer Bill Tuffnell and Oklahoma mechanic, David Castleton.

However, further studies have found that Mr. Castleton was laid off toward the end of the month, and has since applied for unemployment insurance.

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'I've Worked Long and Hard to get Where I am Today', Lies Attractive Business Woman

INDIANAPOLIS - Stunning local business woman Elizabeth Snowden today insisted that her successful career and blossoming lifestyle were the result of hard work and dogged persistence: a lie she has maintained now for over four years.

Snowden, who is current vice president of Mulgrove-Snowden Insurance Ltd, incorrectly stated that ever since she first entered the company's doors dressed in a tight fitting

Obituary - Eric Parker

Eric Parker, 32, died October 1 in his home. The 5'9", 230 lb, bespectacled and pock-marked Parker, who was employed as a network security technician at Apperton Technology Systems, suffered a fatal heart attack following a marathon sexual escapade with at least a dozen women at once over a sixteen-hour period. Parker's friends remember his winning ways with the ladies. "Oh man, I loved the guy, but I hated going out to the clubs with him," reported Bryce Harding, who had been Parker's close friend since their college days and who is now employed as a physician and model. Their other friends--lawyer and model Chet Markum and entrepreneur and model Jake Horner--agreed. "Once the ladies found out Eric was in IT, it was like the rest of us were just invisible," reported Markum. Horner added, "I'm sad that he's dead, but I honestly think this is how he'd have wanted to go. And maybe now we can get the ladies to look twice at one of us."

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Hardworking Employee Kind of Thought Email from Boss Would Say More than 'Thanks, Andrew'

INDIANAPOLIS - Eagerly checking his company inbox Tuesday, aspiring accounts clerk Andrew Pancek kind of hoped that his boss Daniel's reply, having presumably read that Pancek had successfully met the company's audit quota for the month of September, would go a little further than just the word "thanks."

Insisting that he did not expect an essay or anything, the 27-year-old at least anticipated some kind of acknowledgment that he had gone above and beyond for the company, or even a gesture along the lines of "way to go, Andrew."

"I know Daniel is really busy, what with getting a bunch of new clients last month," he said, reading back over the conversation. "But, I don't know, I guess I thought he would tell me what a great job I'm doing, or offer some sort of recognition of the overtime I put in to get these things up-to-date. Just something."

"I mean, it's not a big deal," he continued. "It just would have been nice, is all."

Glancing briefly over other seemingly curt emails from his employer, Pancek wondered momentarily whether the retorts were indicative of a wider, unspoken work relationship breakdown.

"I hope everything is cool between us, because I really did think that my achievements over the past few days were worthy of some kind pat on the back."

"Perhaps I'd better go out of my way to be extra nice to Daniel next time he's in this part of the building," he concluded.  

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Report Finds That Today The Shittiest Day Ever

INDIANAPOLIS - A new report conducted by professors at Indiana University has found that today - Monday, September 24, 2012 - has been, like, the shittiest day ever. It's not gonna lie, continued the report, this has been one utterly sucky day.

Things apparently started off badly at around 7:30 when the nation's alarm clock went off at approximately the very time everyone thought it was still around 6:45, and quickly progressed into the absolute worst fucking day of all time.

According to the extensive study, there was not one single redeeming feature about this day, which continued with a damn-near ridiculous traffic jam heading into work, followed by the awful realization that the nation had left its ID badge on the coffee table this morning.

Why can't it be Friday?, the study outlined.

The day was compounded further when the Excel spreadsheet everyone had worked so hard on all day was accidentally deleted by Tim from accounts, and the nation was moved to near breaking point by the endless ringing of the telephone.

Thinking that this day couldn't get any worse, read the study, the nation was prevented from leaving the parking lot following work after being accosted by a homeless man who just wondered if everyone could spare a dollar so that he could get home.

Burger King, Dairy Queen Conclude Royal Tour of Local Man's Intestines

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FORT WAYNE - The ruling monarchs of the fast food industry, Burger King and Dairy Queen, concluded their recent tour of local man Patrick McMillan's small intestine Thursday, ending a successful domestic engagement. 

The Royals were also treated to a glimpse of the 27-year-old's stomach and food pipe during the extensive 2-day visit, which also saw them engage with dignitaries from The Coca Cola Company and Nestle. 

"It has been a successful tour," said Burger King's official spokesman, Bernard Hees. "Mr McMillan's digestive system was extremely accomodating to the Royal family, who remain eternally grateful for its generous hospitality."

After departing from Mr McMillan's anus this morning, the Royals are scheduled to meet with various guests at the local sewer plant. 

Report: 58% of Unemployed Actively Failing to Look for Work

WASHINGTON D.C. - The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics has found that almost 60% of citizens registered as unemployed are nonetheless actively failing to seek out work. A study released on the department's website indicates that approximately 15 million people spend around 24 hours a day not looking at job postings, employment options, or career guidance pamphlets. "In most cases, Americans who find themselves without a job are at least dedicating a good portion of their time to not seeking out gainful employment," said BLS analyst Sandra Corzoli. "A large number of Americans might be out of work right now, but it's absolutely for a lack of trying."

Conjoined Twins Gleefully Discover Walmart's 2-for-1 Offers

INDIANAPOLIS - Heading downtown Sunday to pick up groceries for the week, conjoined twins Wendy and Marta Brown were thrilled to discover Walmart's exciting 2-items-for-the-price-of-1 offers. Leaving the multi-national retailer with a cart-full of tinned goods and six packets of Swiss cheese, the siblings smiled broadly, evidently unaware that the sell-by date on each item is the day after next.

Report: This Wendy's Not As Good As That One Closer to Home

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According to a report issued Thursday, this Wendy's - this one here on North Meridian Street - is somehow not quite as good as that one Joanne and David Landes normally frequent near their home on East Washington St.

You know, the one with the better drinks machine?

Yeah, sure, this Wendy's is in a better part of town and all, but the service here is lousy compared to the other one. Not to mention the Chocolate Frosty machine in this Goddamn shit-hole of a building always seems to be out of order, continued the report.

And what's with the bathrooms?

According to the findings, this Wendy's is the one that always has a bunch of homeless people loitering outside, which you would not, for the love of God, find happening at the good Wendy's. That Wendy's is just far nicer than this piece of crap.

The report also found that the outdated interior was damn near enough to make the likes of Mr and Mrs Landes take their business elsewhere, perhaps to the relatively modernized Wendy's building situated just five miles from their apartment.

I don't know, concluded the report: next time the couple in question are in the area, perhaps they should try out Don's Burger House two blocks further down, which is supposed to be cheap and pretty popular around here. Just saying.

Indiana Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Visit to Qdoba

FISHERS - During a post-work visit to American-Mexican food chain Qdoba Tuesday, local bigot Steve Clitheroe was somehow able to put aside his anti-immigration beliefs while enjoying a "mighty fine" meal with wife Linda.

Though he routinely espouses strong views about the need to tighten up border security and to instill federal legislation that would limit the opportunities of Mexican immigrants inside the United States, he was able - just for a solitary moment - to see past the usual hard-line conservative rhetoric and just enjoy a "damn-near perfect" chicken quesadilla.

"I should definitely come in here more often," said Clitheroe, failing to recall that, just this past Sunday, he had been displaying to his friend Mike his utter disdain for the Hernandez family two doors down. "I like the sound of those Nacho things too."

In a gesture that belied his usual small-minded soundbites projecting the idea that Mexicans are coming to the U.S. and stealing American jobs, Clitheroe could be heard uttering the words "thank you" to his server Carlos upon receipt of his food.

"The service is actually pretty good here," he continued. "It certainly beats Arby's in that department. I think I'll come back again sometime."

Meanwhile, as the taste of his cheesy fiesta potatoes began to wear off late Tuesday night, Clitheroe was outlining to his family why the state of Indiana needs to incorporate Arizona-style anti-immigration laws in an effort to curb illegal immigration.

Report: Someone, Somewhere Actually Pursuing Career In Dental Hygiene

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INDIANAPOLIS - A report released Friday has found that someone, somewhere is actively taking steps to realize a lifelong dream of becoming a dental hygienist.

Even though the position would require a wide level of seemingly demeaning duties, such as cleaning people's gums and treating others for gingivitis, the report found that an individual - possibly more than one - is presently enrolling in a 2-year associates degree program at a dental hygienist school, with the intention of actually turning it into a career.

"Past records indicate that there are live human beings who willingly overlook all other job choices in favor of dental hygiene," read the report, "a job that requires one human being to delve intimately into the often-odorous oral space of another."

"Wow," continued the report.

Despite a host of other thankless duties involved - such as removing horrifying cavities and advising perfectly innocent strangers on how to maintain a fresh breath - it is estimated that, at some point, someone with an unfathomable passion for the practice will actually enter into a 4-year bachelor's degree in order to gain further certification from the American Dental Association (ADA).

Meanwhile, further findings in the report indicate that this someone - whoever he or she might be, and wherever he or she may reside - could be aware of the position's average start-out salary of $63,000.

Guy In Starbucks Pretty Sure Job Interview Happening on Next Table

INDIANAPOLIS - Enjoying an orange mango smoothie at a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis Thursday, local man Zach Needham was fairly certain that some sort of job interview - probably for a really high-end position - was taking place at the next table.

Just catching up on some emails built up over the past two days, the 32-year-old web designer couldn't help but overhear the authoritative-sounding guy immediately to his right ask the woman sitting opposite him "what sort of experience do you have with Excel 2010?"

Though the two people in question might just as easily have been co-workers, Needham nonetheless could not rule out the possibility that he was sitting in on someone's job screening session, a thought that made him feel both powerful and yet vaguely unimportant at the same time.

"It was kind of difficult to tell, but when the guy next to me started saying things like "profit is king" and "we're essentially a results-oriented company," I was pretty sure that this girl was a prospective employee of some kind."

"Especially, since she seemed to agree with every last fucking word the guy said."


In what may have been the biggest indication yet that  this was not just some meeting between friends, the male individual - noted Needham - thanked his female counterpart for showing up and insisted that it was "really great to get a better idea of what you can bring to the table."

"I mean no-one talks like that in real life," said Needham, finishing off his smoothie. "At the very least, she might have been a client, or whatever. But not a friend or family member."

"It... it was weird, I don't know."

Corporation Now Firing

INDIANAPOLIS - The city's employment figures were tweaked Friday, as Corporate Technology Services (CTS) - an established call center corporation on the westside of Indianapolis - revealed that it is now firing.

Expected to begin the firing process in earnest on Monday, the company is looking to increase joblessness by upward of 10%.

"We're very excited about moving backward as a company," said CTS President, Deborah Challis. "Our number one goal from day one has been to have the highest job turnover rate in the country and by January 2013 we project we'll be well on course to achieve that goal."

The company, which touts itself as "an equal opportunity firer", has made steady strides within the fiscal year toward reaching its projected goal of 500 cutbacks and is hopeful that it can more than double this by the second quarter of next year.

"With every new face that goes out of our doors, we as a company move ever nearer to fulfilling the targets set out by our board of directors," continued Challis. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a one-on-one firing session with Linda from accounts."

Image credit: Flickr, Victor1558

Most of Local Man's Afternoon Spent Pressing 9 for More Options

INDIANAPOLIS - Attempting to pay a past due balance on his cell phone bill Monday, Indianapolis resident Patrick Overton spent the better part of this afternoon, which could otherwise have been devoted to finally getting around to fixing that shed door or chilling with his best friend Michael, pressing 9 for more options.

In what he imagined would be nothing more than a two-minute phone conversation, the 36-year-old, who ordinarily makes his payments online, found himself making multiple calls to his phone provider WirelessPlus before he even advanced to the secondary menu options.

Seemingly going around in circles, Overton was prompted on multiple occasions to press 9, taking him to a further set of options that neither seemed to point him toward the billing department nor a live person of any kind.

"But, no, wait..." he said. "I already pressed that. Can't you just put me through to a freaking human being? Is it really so hard?"

After finally connecting to customer service representative Shamika, who enthusiastically inquired how she could be of assistance today, Overton was kept on hold for a further 40 minutes after disputing a series of premium text messaging charges.

Image credit: Flickr, rocketace

Greek Economic Collapse Could Have Knock-On Effect for Other Not-America Countries

ATHENS, GREECE - As votes continue to be counted in the Greek general election, worries continue to mount that the fallout from the country's potential economic collapse could have a knock-on effect for many other not-America countries.

Should Greece fail to meet the terms of its $130 billion bailout program, then the nation of Italy, which is not the United States of America, could suffer huge financial depression.

"We have been monitoring the situation in Greece closely", said Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke. "If  the European Central Bank is forced to cut off funding to the Greeks - and by the Greeks I mean not the Americans - then the not-American nations of Italy and Spain could suffer further debt and possibly a complete collapse of their economies."

"From there, the wider global community of not-American nations could fall into a global depression the likes of which we have never seen."

The Eurozone - a fiscal region of not-America countries that have adopted the not-America currency of the Euro - are working around the clock to stave off economic meltdown across the European Union, a collective region of not-America nations.

Meanwhile, several experts believe that a worldwide depression, which would likely affect not-America Asian markets, could eventually pull The United States down into a financial abyss.

However, until a scenario involving the U.S. occurs, it is believed that the majority of Americans are set to go about their business, letting those itty bitty countries over in, like wherever it is, fight it out until there's a winner.

Image credit: Flickr. PIAZZA del POPOLO. Creative Commons.

In A Strange Way, Local Man Sort of Going to Miss The Call Center Environment

INDIANAPOLIS - Starting his new job at Herzler-Bryant Accounting Firm this past Monday, Indianapolis man Bret Carbone insists that, in an odd sort of way, he is actually kind of going to miss the whole call center environment.

Though he leaves behind an 8-hour job in which his sole responsibility was to accept and log calls from upward of 60 irate callers a day, the 34-year-old insists that some aspects of the job were "not all that bad."

"I guess I'm sort of going to miss the down-time, when we didn't have any calls coming in," he said. "I could really reflect on things and sometimes talk to this one girl, Stephanie, who used to sit by my cubical. She was kind of neat."

Despite having earned only $10-an-hour promoting the benefits of entering into a family share plan for a morally bankrupt mobile phone company, Carbone insists that he still sometimes looks back fondly on the Pizza Days that his supervisor, Jim, would occasionally organize.

"Even though it was a little awkward eating with a bunch of workers I didn't know, the food was usually pretty tasty," he said. "Jim typically ordered from Papa John's, which isn't my favorite, but it was filling enough."

"Sometimes I would save a piece of cheese and pepperoni for my dinner the next day," he continued.

While the basic rights of workers, such as the right to have two 15-minute breaks, a competitive hourly wage and quality workplace hygiene were frequently overlooked, Carbone nonetheless still occasionally wonders what the people at Incorporated Computer Services are up to these days.

"I sometimes think about some of the crazy stuff that we'd get up to, like secretly taking toilet breaks when it wasn't break time. We... we had some good times."

Carbone says that, while filling out client audits at his new job, he sometimes reminisces about some of the finer aspects of working in a call center.

"I wonder if they still have wacky hair day every Wednesday," he concluded. "That one guy, Martin, used to come in with the craziest Mohawk you've ever seen. That place certainly had its characters."

Image credit: Flickr. Victor1558. Creative Commons.

State of Indiana Calls In Sick

INDIANAPOLIS - Insisting that it must have caught one of those overnight things that is going around, the entire state of Indiana called off work Monday, significantly affecting production across the Hoosier state.

Image credit: Flickr. Leonid Mamchenkov. Creative Commons

Even though the state's population didn't sound all that sick over the phone, thousands of companies were forced to just fill in best they could and "muddle through."

"Absenteeism has been abnormally high today," said general manager of Target's Indianapolis branch. "Apparently, a lot of people in Marion County have that one bug that's doing the rounds. Additionally, four of my workers have taken the day off because of a "family emergency," and might not be in until Wednesday."

"You have to work with what you've got, which, today, is just me."

Meanwhile, amid an unusually lengthy pollen season, millions of Hoosiers are expected to still be feeling "slightly under the weather come Tuesday, but, eh, we'll just have to see."

Cocktail Party Deteriorates Into Political Party

INDIANAPOLIS - A cocktail party took just two hours to deteriorate into a fledgling political party Monday, after the event's laid-back atmosphere took on a more serious and philosophical tone.

Guests arrived at The Hilton Indianapolis Hotel in buoyant mood, expecting a productive night of alcohol consumption and networking. However, events took a swift turn after one guest made a single reference to the 2006 Military Commissions Act, spawning an all night discussion on the topic of government legislation.

Image credit: Flickr. cliff1066™. Creative Commons.   

"One minute I was enjoying the fine ambiance of the occasion", said 31-year-old insurance broker Wade Kaminsky, "when suddenly I was dragged into a really heated debate about the constitutionality of Roe vs. Wade. I just... I've no idea what happened."

While simultaneously removing whipped cream from his face, party host Jason Atkinson "couldn't resist" getting involved in another similarly politically-charged discussion, after overhearing his friend and colleague Dan Silverman defending former President George W. Bush's decision to go to war in Iraq.

"I wasn't about to let him get away with some of the things he was coming out with", said Atkinson. "Before I knew it I was countering each of his points with step by step citations from the 2003 Iraq Dossier. I remember a lot of people leaving soon after that."

The night ended with the three remaining guests naively vowing to establish their own political party; an idea that was quickly forgotten after one of the members vomited in the fish tank.