God Privately Admits He Doesn't Have Plan for Disabled Boy

HEAVEN - Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He

Richard Mourdock's Senate Campaign in Disarray As God Comes Out as Pro Choice

INDIANAPOLIS - The senate campaign of Indiana's leading Republican candidate, Richard Mourdock, is reportedly in disarray Tuesday after the Almighty Father in Heaven identified himself as pro-choice. 

God's stance on the issue of abortion comes as a particular blow to Mr. Mourdock, who insisted during Tuesday's senatorial debate that "rape pregnancies are God's will".

Obituary - Joel Osteen

Televangelist, author, and pastor Joel Osteen, 49, died October 8 in his Houston home. His widow, Victoria Osteen, issued a statement in which she said that God had "called Joel home." When reached for comment, God had a different perspective. "That wasn't exactly it," said God. "I just finally got sick of listening to that guy prattling on about how I supposedly want everybody to have a big house and a nice car, if they just believe in Me hard enough--and send him money, of course." The Lord added, "I mean, did that guy even read anything I had people write down? Yet day in and day out, he'd be there behind that oily smile, telling thousands of people who attended his megachurch or watched his TV show or read his books that I'm not much more than a big Rich Uncle in the sky. Oh my Self, that was annoying! It was like a snake oil salesman and a pyramid scheme huckster had a love child, and tried to make it okay by wrapping it all up in a big Me-shaped diaper. Well, I finally just got sick of it and smote the guy. Felt good--I haven't done a proper smiting in a long time." When asked whether the departed soul of Mr. Osteen were available for comment, God replied, "Oh well, um, this is a little awkward. Let's just say you'd have to reach him at a different address."

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God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days

INDIANAPOLIS - As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20.

"I'm just tweaking the climate a little at the minute," said God. "I've heard a lot of people complaining about the cold recently, but let me assure everyone that temperatures will return to an unseasonably high level in a couple of weeks."

"I just need everyone to be patient while I get this stuff done."

Meanwhile, it was reported Monday that ice sheets covering 660,000 square miles of Greenland have temporarily ceased melting as a result of God's handiwork.

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Televangelist Knows That You Too Can Fully Submit Your Salary to The Lord

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - In a sweeping address before a live congregation and thousands watching at home Wednesday, televangelist Pastor Arnold Friedrich insisted that, like him, you too can find the path to everlasting light, so long as you are prepared to fully submit your annual earnings to the Lord. Referencing Matthew 7:7, Friedrich said "ask and it will be given you: search, and you will find; hand over $37,000 and the God will love you forever." As of press time, more than 200 members of Friedrich's congregation say that they have learned to fully accept the Lord God into their bank account.

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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family

INDIANAPOLIS - Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God's emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was "carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that "God told me it was the right thing to do."

"I stand over you all today to protest my innocence in this most recent and appalling tragedy," declared God this morning. "I am not, in any way, affiliated with Mr. Calzone and it is quite clear that the lying shithead carried out the murder all by himself."

"I cannot stress this enough. I had nothing to do with it."

Calzone is set to go on trial on August 24, where he will make the case that he had acted upon the word of God during the July 11 shooting at his family home. Despite these allegations, however, God - who is set to give evidence at the trial - insisted that he had never once been in contact with the suspect.

"I vehemently refute Mr. Calzone's claim that I spoke to him every night prior to this awful tragedy, or that I told him to buy a semi-automatic weapon and offload six rounds into his family," continued the Heavenly Father. "I repeat: I have never corresponded with this awful man. Period."

God insisted that he will do everything in his considerable power to help investigators bring Calzone to justice, stating: "I'm even willing to testify under oath," he concluded. "That is, if the court will permit me to swear on my own Bible."

Agnostics Still Undecided Ahead of 2012 Deity Election

JERUSALEM - With the 2012 Deity Election just four months away, a recent poll by the Celestial Examiner has found that 78% of Agnostics are still undecided as to which divine entity they will vote for.

Candidates from the four major religions will contest November's election, with Christianity's Jehovah just edging in the polls ahead of Allah of the Islamic faith, Vishnu of Hinduism and Buddha.

"I really don't know who to vote for," said lifelong Agnostic, Samantha Jameson. "Part of me has kind of lost interest in religious practices, but another part really likes Jehovah's stance on family-oriented issues such as marriage and parenthood."

"I even like some of Allah's policies too, though I'm not so sure about his stance on women's rights. Perhaps, I'll vote for Buddha. He seems pretty genuine."

Campaigning on behalf of the Christian faith in the Holy Land of Jerusalem Wednesday, campaign manager, Jesus Christ, insisted that the election outcome could be swayed by the voting choices of agnostics, most of whom have yet to decide on a candidate.

"Everyday on the campaign trail, myself, the Heavenly Father and our fellow Christians are reaching out to all Agnostics up and down the planet," said Mr. Christ. "Why should you vote for us? Well, if you believe that women should not be stoned to death for adultery, if you believe that man should be allowed to eat pork as he chooses, then we are the religion for you."

"Plus, we've got a talking snake."

Meanwhile, this year's election is widely expected to see its lowest voter turn-out for more than a thousand years, after a record number of Atheists declared their intention to not vote.      

God Takes 2-Week Vacation, Leaves United Nations in Charge

HEAVEN - Taking a much needed break from the rigors of managing the planet Earth, which He has ruled over with omnipotence since its creation at the dawn of time, His Lordship Almighty God has reportedly taken a 2-week vacation, leaving representatives from the United Nations in temporary charge in his absence.

Retreating to one of his favorite destinations within the constellation of Ursa Minor, God is believed to have left behind a detailed work plan for member states of the UN, delegating work among Peacekeepers, aid workers and environmental watchdogs.

Image credit: World Economic Forum. Creative Commons.

"I'll be gone until around May 6," wrote God on a post-it note to UN General Secretary Ban Ki Moon. "Please, please, whatever you do, don't let the nation of Swaziland go without food again. Oh, and keep an eye on Syria will you? That pesky little country has been getting away with murder these past few months. Okay, gotta run. Pray if you need anything."

Members of The United Nations Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) have been placed in temporary command of disaster relief efforts in the event that a nation is struck down by a natural disaster during God's absence.

"I know that you've never been handed this kind of responsibility before," continued God in an email to the head of OCHA. "But if a powerful Earthquake rips through, for example, the streets of Istanbul, I need you guys to be on the ball. No dicking around. Understood?"

"I'm serious," he continued.

Meanwhile, leaving a parting message for UN Peacekeepers, God warned on-hand officials not to be bullied into letting America have its way with the nations of Iran, Syria and Pakistan.

"Even if they tell you it was my will," concluded God, "don't let the yanks start another highly unpopular war in the Middle East. It would make Thursday's dinner with Allah extremely uncomfortable. Okay, I'm really going now. Have fun!"  

God Trades Tim Tebow to The Jets

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In an unexpected move Wednesday, Almighty God negotiated a deal with the Denver Broncos to trade quarterback Tim Tebow - one of the Lord's most ardent followers - to the New York Jets.

Tebow, who was released from The Bronco's roster following the team's acquisition of former Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning, was made aware of the trade-off yesterday morning in a brief conversation with "the big man upstairs."

"It is my calling," said the 24-year-old. "The Lord spoke to me and told me to forget about heading down to Florida; you're heading to NYC, baby!"

Additionally, God is reportedly in heavy negotiations with both the Broncos and The Jets to finalize Tebow's $5m salary advances.

However, while offering his undying gratitude to The Almighty, Tebow insisted that he's not thinking about the financial rewards, stating that "being part of a team and challenging for honors" is what it's all about.


"For me, it was never about the money," he said. "It was just about staying true to The Almighty and trusting in Him. If he says I should be locked into a $70m 5-year contract, who am I to argue?"

Green Clothes, Complexions Set to Mark St. Patrick's Day

INDIANAPOLIS - In what will undoubtedly prove a night of unabashed partying, revelers across the city are set to mark St Patrick's day by wearing a combination of green clothes and the subsequent green complexion that 8 pints of Guinness is known to produce.

Following a parade in the city of Indianapolis yesterday, sales of green wristbands, hats and novelty leprechaun shoes increased vastly, while liquor - which has a known history of slowly altering the facial coloration of its users to a shade not altogether dissimilar to that of a shamrock - has sold at an increased rate of 209% over the weekend..

"Everyone's just looking forward to having a really good time," said Carrie Upton - bar manager at The Claddagh, an authentic Irish bar in downtown Indianapolis. "If past years are anything to go by, you're going to see green buttons, green t-shirts and, yes, plenty of sickly green faces by the time this night is done."

Some of the harder drinkers among the revelry are expected to display an all-over green appearance by lunch time, while inexperienced drinkers could cause a record number of toilets, sidewalks and back alley ways to take on a greener appearance than previously seen.

God Getting Worryingly Into Disaster Movies

HEAVEN - In what proved a serious concern for the International Community Saturday, unconfirmed sources described how His Lordship Almighty God has "really been getting into the disaster movie genre recently," adding: "He's watched Twister, like, 8 times in the last month."

Even though disaster films are typically criticized for their lack of artistic merit, God keeps inviting other deities over to watch mindless popcorn thrillers that depict impending doom to various branches of the human race, said a spokesman.

"Just last night, The Almighty sat down and watched The Day After Tomorrow with a couple of His mythical buddies," said the spokesman. "Upon viewing the scene where New York City gets completely frozen over, I think his words were "wow, that's freaking awesome.""

"He even played the scene back three or four times."

According to earlier reports, God is alleged to have uttered positive statements about the scene in the film Earthquake where the Mulholland Dam collapses, killing two central characters and a number of extras.

"Yes, He gets a real kick out of that part," said another spokesperson. "He honestly gets so into these films that it's starting to become an obsession. All the way through Twister, he kept asking: "how do they make that tornado look so realistic? I want to know. I want to know."

Meanwhile, in a brief statement Saturday, God responded to speculation that the destructive tsunami that devastated eastern Japan last year was directly influenced by scenes in the film Deep Impact.

"Oh Dear Lord, no," He said. "Last year, my movie-watching experience comprised largely of Adam Sandler comedies. The whole Japan thing came about because... well, because it was too cool not to come about."

Jesus Just Assumed That Republicans Knew About His Socialist Leanings

WASHINGTON D.C. - Speaking amid right-wing concerns that the United States is slowly becoming a socialist nation, Jesus Christ insisted Thursday that he just sort of assumed that members of the Republican Party - which comprises some of his most ardent followers -  knew about his own socialist leanings.

The Son of God has kept relatively quiet during the Republican presidential primaries, which has seen candidates hurl vitriolic attacks against President Obama for "socializing the United States of America."

However, the latest statements made by presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, who accused Obama of left-wing radicalism Wednesday, have prompted Christ to speak out.

"Look, I was under the impression that my stance on political issues was widely known across the American congress," he said. "How much clearer can I be? Did I not famously share the wealth when I fed the five thousand? I thought I was pretty clear about that. And did I not lead a revolution against Roman imperialism. I mean, hello? How much of a clue do you need?"

During the 45-minute rant Thursday, Christ also hit back at critics of President Obama's 2010 Healthcare Reform Bill, which has come under heavy fire from the majority of Republicans since its ratification.

"How many times do I have to say it?" he continued. "When I heal the sick, I don't turn away patients because of pre-existing conditions or because they don't have health insurance. If somebody needs medical care, I give it to them. Period."

"If anything, the president didn't go far enough."

Christ, a former teacher and laborer, was also quick to point out his propensity for forming communes, a word synonymous in Republican circles with communism.

"I just don't know what else to say to these conservatives. Firstly, communism and socialism are two vastly different political systems," he said. "Secondly, if these GOP presidential candidates are such loyal followers of mine and everything I stand for, why are they so opposed to the idea of looking out for one another."

"Did I not, after all, teach the idea of loving each other? Yes, I think that was me."

Image credit: public domain.

Economic Struggle Forces Mary and Joseph to Merge Christ's Birthday, Christmas Presents Into One

BETHLEHEM - Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph - the parents of Jesus Christ - have conceded that they will have to merge their only son's birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ - whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day - always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year.

"It's going to be difficult to break it to him," said Mary - the child's only biological parent. "But after putting our stable on the market this past November, we honestly have no choice but to put our finances first."

"It's just been a really difficult year. I hope he understands."

Christ, who is well known for preaching forgiveness, will have to put his teachings into practice come Christmas morning when faced with a stocking containing just a copy of the New Testament and an orange.

"Hopefully, if the job situation improves, we'll be able to spoil him a little bit more next year," said Joseph, whose carpentry business has struggled to stay afloat since the recession of 2008. "But he has to understand we cannot just go crazy like we used to. It just wouldn't be fiscally responsible."
   

Image credit: public domain.

Resilient Christmas Claims Victory in War on Christmas

NORTH POLE - Christmas - the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year - today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.

Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000.

"Christmas lovers the world over will forever remember December 14th as a historic day," said Christmas spokesman and overall leader Santa Claus. "We have won the War on Christmas. Those who belittled Christmas by calling it a holiday, Yuletide or Winter Fest have been defeated. December 25 has no place for tyranny and oppression."

It had earlier been hypothesized that the conflict, which many believe was "unconstitutional from the very start", would last for over a hundred years, but those opposed to the war celebrated its conclusion this morning.

"I thought this day would never come," wrote Indiana resident Kylie Peterson on her Facebook wall. "Can't tell you how relieved I am. Now hopefully we can all just get along without trying to rename Christmas."

"Merry Xmas (War is Over)," she concluded. 

Image credit: Flickr. MrDoS. Creative commons.

God Quietly Blessing Other Nations

HEAVEN - According to celestial insiders and various mythical figures, His Lordship and Creator of All Things, Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States of America.

Even though much of His time - which is widely believed to be infinite in length - is spent blessing the fifty states, it was reported that God has sought to anoint several other countries, with unconfirmed reports that Norway, Latvia and the small island of Tuvalu were recently delivered from evil.

Meanwhile, following an analysis of the top ten most economically stable nations in the world, rumors have circulated that Luxembourg too has been enshrined by The Lord as a beacon of prosperity across the globe.

"He just doesn't have the heart to tell America," said an anonymous insider. "After the rough decade that the U.S. has endured at both home and abroad, He thought it better not to say anything - at least until things calm down."

Many analysts believe that God may have been blessing other nations for decades. The nation of Germany is thought to be widely indebted to God following its 50-year economic recovery following World War II as well as its ultimate re-unification in 1990, and, according to 71% of the population of modern day Kosovo, the now independent country was itself freed by God.

With a large sect of the U.S. population still under the impression that their country enjoys a special place in God's plans, many Americans are set to remain blissfully unaware of His Lordship's other consecrations.

However, close to 2 million citizens residing in the hurricane-battered, oil-poluted state of Louisiana are believed to be catching on.      

Report: Churches to Outnumber Christians by 2035

INDIANAPOLIS - According to a study conducted by the United States Census Bureau, the number of Churches located in Indiana is likely to become higher than the state's total number of Christians by the year 2035.

The findings, which were gathered over the past six months, found that the number of churches - from across all branches of the Christian faith - has increased at a record rate during the past 25 years and is expected to see exponential growth over the next two and half decades.

"By the end of the 2020s, every street in the Midwest will have 5 times as many churches as houses," said researcher Carla Bainbridge. "When you consider that a lot of these churches will also double up as houses, you start to see the scale of the church expansion."

In further findings, it has been revealed that buildings belonging to the United Methodist Church had already overtaken the denomination's number of followers as early as 2005, while members of The Christian Church are likely to be outnumbered by their places of worship by 2014.

"I'm overjoyed with this report," said Church of God devotee, Angela Mills. "It means that my grandchildren will have plenty of choice over where to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. God bless America."

Despite these findings, however, it is widely expected that all religious buildings across the entire state will eventually be overtaken by the state's sheer number of Starbucks coffeehouses.

Image Credit. Flickr. The Consumerist.

Flood Warnings Issued After God Knocks Back 8 Cans of Miller Lite

INDIANAPOLIS - The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest  ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God - hosting a gathering of elite deities - knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon.

"It was crazy," said Vishnu, the Hindu God. "I'm pretty sure that at one point He had three drinks in His hand. He was already wasted by 8 o'clock."

With God expected to wake up later this afternoon, the state of Indiana is bracing itself for its worst rainfall in 50 years, prompting fears of mass flooding across the predominantly flat state.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting over the reasons for God's recent behavior, with many fearing that the global economic crisis and ongoing conflicts around the world are beginning to take their toll on His Lordship.

In any event, several states across the Midwest have preemptively declared a state of emergency after rumors emerged early this morning that God had also consumed six White Castle "crave cases" during a momentary bout of late night hunger.

God Gay

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the "steamy and tumultuous relationship" He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover's identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin - something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning.

"I have to put the record straight on homosexuality", he said. "The amount of times I hear that being gay is sinful, immoral or unnatural. If you're so hung up on homosexuality being unnatural then quit with your tanning beds and your hair dye!".

He continued: "I am not going to hide in the closet any longer! Either you accept me for who I am or...or...I'll send you all to Hell!"

Just hours after God's incredible revelation, it has been reported that thousands of divorce papers have been filed by Christians seeking to explore the gay relationships they have spent many years pretending not to want.

In a heart-warming moment, talk-show host Rush Limbaugh was today photographed joyfully walking through Central Park holding hands with a 17-year-old boy, while presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann has reportedly been approached to perform "a raunchy photoshoot for Qr Magazine."

"If being gay is God's will, then I am truly proud to call myself gay", said Mr Limbaugh. "After all, the good lord is deep inside all of us".

Meanwhile, amid the ensuing chaos following God's announcement, 47 of the 50 American States say they would consider state-wide bans on straight marriage, while adoption agencies across the western world have received a 10,000% increase in the volume of incoming calls.

Image credit: public domain.